Learning to Love Myself Through Thick and Thin

I'm at a strange point in my life where the majority of my thoughts are centering around my body weight. For so many years, I was stuck at 85 pounds. In high school I was on the Varsity competitive cheer squad, and at 4'10" I had no choice other than to be a flyer. Working out twice a day to stay in shape for all of the jumping and tumbling that was required of me meant that I consistently stayed at that 85 pounds throughout high school. It seemed like my butt and breasts would never grow, and I always felt so far behind everyone else's development. My sisters and mother have always had shapely bodies, and I never felt like I fit in with them. 

Me, Senior Year of High School. Straight muscle. 

Me, Senior Year of High School. Straight muscle. 

Fast forward to now, and I have plenty of the booty and breasts that I was so anxious to have back then. And yet, on many days I don't find body as appealing anymore. I DEFINITELY don't want to be 85 pounds again, but it's discouraging to read that 124 pounds is considered "overweight" for my height. I went from TV abs of steel to a stomach that isn't really flat anymore. I don't go out as much as I used to when I was scrawnier. And I DO want to go out. I buy clothes all the time waiting to go have fun and be cute, but it never happens. I'm caught between wanting to work out to tone up and fearing that I'll end up doing too much and being 85 pounds again. 

Me, 19th birthday. I always say that I look tall in this pic despite being 4'10". Many days I want to trade in my thick legs for these "long" and leaner ones. But, I'm pushing myself to love me where I'm at and to take care of myself in healthy ways. 

Me, 19th birthday. I always say that I look tall in this pic despite being 4'10". Many days I want to trade in my thick legs for these "long" and leaner ones. But, I'm pushing myself to love me where I'm at and to take care of myself in healthy ways. 

It was so hard to be tiny and listen to comments about how small I was. I still can't win now that I have a woman's body either. I went home last month for my cousin's wedding (which was AMAZING!--Congrats again, Tia!), and was so nervous about the comments that I'd have to field. Whispers about how thick I am now. About how WELL I'm eating. It's frustrating and tiring at the same time, because no one is satisfied whether I'm skinny or thick but they feel compelled to share their opinions either way. I don't take full-body pics at all anymore, but I see that I'll have to start doing that as a resolution for the new year. Last year's resolution was to find new things I'm good at, and I was able to pick up jewelry-making and sewing as a result. I want to be happy with this body and any changes that might come with it in 2017. I want to start dressing up and going out on the town for MYSELF, and not waiting for someone to ask me. I won't continue to seek out validation, or beg for buddies to hold me accountable with staying healthy. 

Me, Summer '16. My boyfriend took this pic of me and Kayjay at Folly Beach, and I haven't taken a full body pic since. I'm sure my hips are even wider, and I'm learning that it's ok. 

Me, Summer '16. My boyfriend took this pic of me and Kayjay at Folly Beach, and I haven't taken a full body pic since. I'm sure my hips are even wider, and I'm learning that it's ok. 

I'd love to chat with some of you about the things you do daily that help you love your own bodies! Help a sister out in the comments!