"When Y’all Gonna Have a Baby?"

I’ll never be able to get pregnant and be surprised by it. 

My final ER trip in 2015. They couldn’t draw blood from my hands or arms, so they had to get it from my neck instead. Desperate times indeed called for desperate measures, and I’m grateful to that last doctor.

My final ER trip in 2015. They couldn’t draw blood from my hands or arms, so they had to get it from my neck instead. Desperate times indeed called for desperate measures, and I’m grateful to that last doctor.

So the never-ending flood of questions like

“when are y’all gonna have a baby?”

and

“when you gonna give that man a child?”

make me sick.

That’s just not something I have the luxury of doing without a team of doctors, endless appointments, and daily injections at home because pregnant women can’t take blood thinners.  

Back in 2015, I switched back to birth control pills from Depo because I felt stable enough in life to remember to take them every day. Before I could start the second pack I started having sharp pains in my chest and back that made it hard to breathe. After seeing 3 different doctors, the final one realized it was a blood clot in my right lung that would have killed me in 2 days max. I’d seen doctors on and off for roughly 6 weeks, and each time I was prescribed bed rest and given ungodly amounts of pain pills that left me so high that I couldn’t get out of bed if I tried.

I don’t know why the clot didn’t move, but the last doctor said the pains I felt were from the clot trying to dislodge itself. During that last trip to the ER, I was actually dying. My mind raced, and I was doing everything I could to fight through the pain and stay awake. The cause of it all? My sensitivity to additional hormones found in birth control pills. Put simply: I’m allergic to anything that’s not an IUD or other contraceptive implant.

Imagine going to see a hematologist and being the youngest person in the lobby. All of the other patients smiling at you and thinking, “Isn’t she sweet to come out here and bring her grandparent to their appointment!” When they call your name, their faces change from adoration to pity. Because you’re way too young to be in their shoes.  

3 years ago, Devon almost lost me. I was told at that point that I’d be considered a high risk expectant mother when the time came, and we both understood the time commitment that would take. I have Nexplanon now, and we’d talked about me leaving it out and trying for a child this year. But the truth is...I’m scared. I got a new Nexplanon placed instead, and you know what? That’s ok. We’ll start a family on our own time, and it’s just gonna have to be ok with y’all. My health is more important.

 

Until then, we’ll keep being the best "tete" and uncle your kids have ever had the pleasure of knowing. :)

Doing You is OKAY, sis.

Being in such fast-moving environments, I've started making more of an effort to be conscious of what I'm feeling mentally and physically. It's much different from what I'm used to doing (which is pushing through to the point of total burnout and spiraling into a deep bout of depression), and it's working for me. When I'm tired, I take a nap. When I feel sick, I take care of myself. I burn candles to help me wind down after a long day. When I'm feeling sluggish and bloated, I pay attention to what I'm eating. 

Over the past few months, simply making time for myself and protecting my own energy has given me some awesome results. I smile more, my skin has never been better, and I'm more productive when it comes to things like getting my grad school homework done wayyyy ahead of deadlines.

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With all of the positive changes I'm making to treat myself with more love and care, it still hurts a bit when I'm made fun of for choosing my own wellness above everything else. I have a hard time digesting pasta now, which I used to be able to eat every day without fail. So I switched to quinoa to try something different. I still do pasta every once in a while, but I have to add in a ton more veggies when I do so that I'm not in nearly as much pain. At first, EVERYBODY made fun of me and my quinoa. Family members would comment about me eating "bird food." Some people would go as far as to say that I was trying to "copy white folks". I've even had folks ask me where my real food is, and call my plate gross! Honestly, it used to make me feel so small and like I just needed to suck it up and suffer through eating all the stuff that would have me in pain for days on end. Self-confidence is something I have to work at all the time, so feeling attacked for being willing to eat better for myself used to really get me wayyyyy down. And every time I'd fall back into eating the stuff that I knew would make me sick because it was easier than having to explain myself. But then one day I was like, 

GIRL. If it's helping you, it has nothing to do with anybody else. Let them pick!

I'd only ever share if people asked, but I don't outwardly talk about my food decisions now. Because, why? I probably eat meat a couple of days out of the week. Not because I'm trying to make a statement, but I'm noticing more and more how different foods affect my mood and ability to get shit done. And I mean, that's the key, right? How you gonna be a girl boss out here and constantly feeling sick and shut in? Besides, I season the crap out of my food so don't worry about me. I'll make it just fine.